MBD Articles

Stocks Tumble as Analysts Downgrade Sawyer's Liver

New York, NY - Shares of Budweiser , Miller, and Diageo all took a tumble today as analysts downgraded Mark Sawyer's liver from Moderate Buy to Sell.

"We have been tracking Mr. Sawyer's progress over the last 6 years and frankly he has been underachieving for many of them. I can't say this is a surprise to any informed investor," stated Credit Suisse's financial analyst Herb Jelpert.

"Take a look at the figures. Beer consumption during the boom of 93 to 94 was at an all time high. The outlook was bright. With disposable income surely to increase due to the impending necessity of finding a job, Mr. Sawyer's liver was a strong market mover. He is 6' 1" and weighs only 150 pounds soaking wet, yet he drank like he weighed 225 - 230 pounds. He was definitely an outperform. And we recommended him as so."

"But, as the chart illustrates, he experienced a complete crash at Spring Break in Key West. A full body shut down. It was unprecedented. Sales of Milwaukee's Best bottomed out. He managed to slightly increase his intake leading up to his wedding. He grew consumption by nearly 100%."

"However, since the wedding, beer consumption is way down, hangovers are up. It used to take a mere 24 hours from him to recover, now it is taking 3 to 4 days. With stats like that, we can no longer recommend his liver to the investment community."

The final straw seemed to be his weak performance at the Sunday Showdown Beer Pong Tournament.

"What did the guy have? Three, four beers? Come on. 3 Years ago that would have been a twelve pack. His liver's done. It's simply a bad investment. Although we may se an upward trend during the holiday party season. But we'll have to wait and see"