MBD Articles
Day 17
Well, it's day 17 of sabbatical and my back is still hurting so I am unable to golf it up. Instead, I find myself on the porch, listening to Jimmy Buffett, Barefoot Man, and Jim Morris, watching the first round of the British Open, Pete's Summer Brew in hand, a belly full of chicken wings, with one fat cat basking in the sunshine next to me. Good times.
Rikki Lake: "Are you a mom who dresses too sexy and parties with her daughter. If so, we want you to call us." My response to that is : Who wouldn't want her to call? I can only think of one word when I think of an older, experienced lady with obvious self esteem issues who lacks a moral compass: Jackpot. Might not even have to dip into the GHB for that one. (OK , that was inappropraite , but it still cracked me up and since I am my own editor, it stays in.) By the way, why is Rikki Lake still on TV? White trash truly is the natural resource of America that never depletes.
How come nobody in Hollywood applauds Kirstie Allie for putting on 45 pounds to do those Pier 1 Imports commericals. Renee Zellweger was so brave for putting on 35 to play Bridget Jones. Kirstie got her by 10 pounds! C'mon people, let's give her some credit. She was Rebecca Howe for Pete's sake! Hmmmmmm.....Pete's Summer Brew....don't mind if I do.
Here's my position on the WNBA. I don't think for any professional sporting team, male or female, that I should feel like I could walk onto the team and contribute. I honestly think that I could be good for 5 points, 3 rebounds , and a block or two if I could get into a WNBA game. That's just not right. And this isn't a sexist thing. No way I compete on the LPGA, WTA, or even the WPBA. Plus it is just plain boring. As my friend Ru said, in what has to be the best statement against viewing something I have ever heard in my life, "I'd rather watch gay porn than the WNBA."
Can you ever watch synchronized swimming and not think of the scene from Caddyshack. I mean, that's the best reference their sport has, that has to piss them off. I picture those conversations going something like this.
-"Do you play any sports?"
-"I am a synchronized swimmer"
-"Excuse me?"
-"Synchronized swimming. We perform water ballett in unison."
-"Huh?"
-"We do leg maneuvers and underwater tricks while synchronizing it to music that plays. We train very hard and it is very artistic."
-"Come again?"
-"Fine. It's like the scene from Caddyshack when they were dancing in the pool on caddy day."
-"Oh , why didnt you say so , I love that scene!"
-"It's actually much more than that, it's..."
-"DOOOOOOOODEEEEEEEEE.....hee..hee..."
When did the kid from the Real World end up on Days of Our Lives? Kyle from Chicago. Holy crap. I'm almost ashamed now to admit that I used to schedule my classes around Days in college. I would even catch the early Money and Banking class on Friday so I could go to Andre's for the "$3 pitchers with your favorite soap on the tv" deal.
My favorite exchange I have witnessed so far is this one, Belle speaking to Philip and some other character - "Remember when the three of us were trapped in that cave , water up to our necks, thinking we were going to die?" The very next scene , not kidding here, was her Dad , trapped in the hull of a boat, water up to his neck, afraid he was about to die. You can't write unintentional comedy like that. Well, actually, I guess you can.
I'm beginning to believe that M. Night Shymalan's idea for the movie Unbreakable was nothing more than him sitting around, eating Jax, drinking some beers, and watching Days of Our Lives and realizing that no matter what happened to John Black, the guy just never died. He's been shot , stabbed, blown up, and even fought the devil when Marlena was possessed (worst plot line in history of any show ,ever, by the way). He just can't be killed.
People who can lose their job but are almost guaranteed another shot right away? Pro sports coaches and soap opera actors. These people are recycled more than Busch bar bottles at a college bar. PBH always says General Hospital is the best soap but half the cast was on Days at one time. Advantage: Days.
When did McDonald's go from the 9 piece Mcnugget to the 10 piece? Was this really necessary? And why wasn't the 6 piece bumped up to 7? I'm thinking of writing a letter. This one is killing me. Was there a public outcry for one more Mcnugget? Did I miss any rallys or marches on Mayor McCheese's residence demanding one more processed Mcnugget? I need to know. If you have any insights, please send them my way. I can't sleep anymore.
I think Shannon Elizabeth is the hottest chic who also has the capability of looking inexplicably bad. Boggles the mind.
How can you watch Kelly Kapowski on Saved By The Bell: The College Years and then watch Valerie Malone on Beverly Hills 90210 and argue, supposedly in good faith, that there was no breast augmentation there? C'mon.
If I ever get really bored, I'm going to the local weight loss clinic and tell them I think I need to lose a few pounds.
How can you take advice from a guy on a talk show who resembles "Hey Now" Hank Kingsley from the Larry Sanders Show? Seriously people. Get a grip.
You know what this column needs? MORE COWBELL (that was for Ed, who might be the only other person who gets that joke. Complete ripoff of Sports Guy, but I still love it)
Well, it's time to play a little Tomb Raider. Until later...
