MBD Articles

Area Man's Love of C.S.I. Taken Too Far

Plainville, MA - What was once a pair of shoes on the living room floor is now considered "evidence". The family grocery list has been replaced by the "Supplies and Materials Requisition" form that Hampton Barnes designed and printed using Microsoft Word on his home Gateway desktop. All of this thanks to the hit crime show C.S.I. which airs on CBS Thursday nights.

"It was kind of cute in the beginning," said Hampton's wife Laurel, "but now it is just plain annoying. Each morning he wakes up early to assess the condition of the house , or 'crime scene', as he calls it. The kid's often leave their clothes on the floor and I just want to get it cleaned up , but in comes Hampton with his 'evidence markers', spouting out incoherent babble about how each piece tells it's own story and how it's his job to interpret that story. It's friggin dirty clothes, just pick em up so we can move on."

"I'm proud that my wife , and partner, was able to break out of her previous lifestyle and overcome adversity to get where she is today," commented Hampton. "Her dedication and devotion are not only an inspiration to myself and my family, they are an inspiration to all those young ladies out there who want to get out of the stripping life and into something more stable and long term."

"He told you what?", an obviously frustrated Laurel asked. "I graduated Magna Cum Laude from Stanford and received my Master's from Wharton. My first job was as Vice President of Sales for a small manufacturing firm in Sturbridge. He really has gone off the deep end."

Everyone in the family now carries official B.I.B.s (Barnes Identification Badges) and have to wear latex gloves at all times.

"And that's not the worst thing," complained Laurel, "it's the god damn flour that is all over the place. He calls it 'fingerprint powder' and he puts it on everything. Then he carries around a blacklight he bought at K-Mart and a can of Pledge, spraying for traces of bodily fluids. Try explaining that to your four year old."

When asked how he felt about his wife's statements, Hampton simply said, "It's not up to me to judge. I just follow the evidence."