MBD Articles

Jenn's Knocked Up

Rather then deal with an avalanche of inquiries, I decided to hold a press conference about this. Here's the transcript.

When did you change your mind about having kids?

I wish I could tell you I had an epiphany of how great I thought it would be for my own kid to punch me in the face some day after Sydney hauled off and slugged me, but I didn't. This is a simple case of genetics over science.

How did you find out?

Jenn told me. More to the point, Jenn started crying then told me. Which really isn't fair. I have been the guy taunting all my friends because they are saddled with responsibilites while I was free to drive 1080 miles roundtrip in a Jeep to go get drunk with one of my college buddies for no other reason than "because I could." Jenn should have deferred the crying option over to me on this one. She only drives to CVS.

Are you going to find out the gender?

No, but I can tell you right now it's a girl. Her due date is right around the Superbowl, cmon, no guy would have screwed me over like this.

Can I ask "When are you due?"

No, you can ask when is Jenn due. I'm not pregnant. On a sidenote, I feel you should be legally allowed to punch anyone in the larynx who says "We are pregnant". I hate that.

How did you react when you found out?

I believe my exact words were "Bartolo Colon gave up 7 earned runs in 4 innings! Are you friggin kidding me?". This is why you should never tell anyone life altering news when they are watching Sportscenter to see how their fantasy players are doing.

If this were a sports story, how would it read?

Shut Out Streak Ends at 11 Years

In what has to be considered one of the biggest upsets since the the Americans defeated the Red Army back in 1980, the hockey world was stunned as Orth "Trikey" O'Trycyclin shut out streak was snapped after 11 years. This is the first goal ever surrendered by the veteran keeper.

Zy Goté , captain of the underdog Nashua team, was just as surprised as anyone when he slipped one past the goalie.

"I'm certainly in shock," stated Coach Mark Sawyer, "We rarely get a shot on net, and when you do, you just figure he's gonna stop it. The guy has been a brick wall for 11 years."

Are you standing by your declaration about not wanting to have kids?

I think so. More out of necessity than lack of sentimentality. When the kid busts out the "I wish I was never born!" down the road, I want to to be able to fire back with "Me too". If I retract my previous platform, that option is lost on me forever and I have yet to be able to think of a good comeback for "I wish I was never born" that didnt start with "Me too". Kid's dont respect you if you don't have witty retorts.

Now that "I'm pregnant" is off the board, what are the two scariest words out there?

Uncle Tim

Are you going to be one of those parents who doesnt allow any non parent to say they are tired without immediately butting in and saying "You don't know about being tired"?

If any of you catch me saying that, feel free to throw a trident at me. My buddy Kevin just had a kid and was scared to say he was tired because he knew of my strong position on this issue, he just got the sides all mixed up. To clarify my point, anyone should be able to say they are tired at anytime, not just parents. Nothing bothers me more than people who choose to have child, knowing how crappy it's gonna be for the first 6 months, refusing to let anyone who doesn't have a child say they are tired. I checked the dictionary and it says "To diminish the strength or energy of; fatigue." not "To diminish the strength or energy of; fatigue, but only if you have a child". If I stay out drinking til 5:30 AM at the Clermont Lounge with Becky and then get up 3 hours later, I'm gonna be tired.

Is kind of along the same lines as your salad debate?

Salad has to at least have lettuce and one other green vegetable. End of story. Pasta and mayonaisse has no business calling itself salad.

What are you looking forward to the most?

I feel like when Watley converted to Judaism and started telling Rabbi jokes. The world is my oyster. No subject is off limits. I used to feel bad about complaining about parents or about their kids. Well, not really, but let's just say I did. But now, they can't complain about me complaining because I'm in the club.

What are the odds that this kid comes out looking like a candy apple with a giant head and a skinny body?

83%.

Can we laugh right in your face now?

Absolutely.