MBD Articles

It's C-P-AH Time

If you have ever lived with, talked to, or simply met a woman, then you are probably aware of a little channel called Lifetime Movie Network. It's basically Late Night Cinemax for women, but instead of detectives chasing down leads and eventually seeing all the the suspects nude and then sleeping with them, the detectives chase down high school cheerleaders who killed their friend's boyfriends, but don't get to see them nude or sleep with them.

Needless to say, during one of PBH's 19 hour battles involving gravity and the couch, I happened to oversee one of these little films. Mary Tyler Moore was a lady impersonating a pregnant lady so she could be in baby class, and you guessed it, eventually steal a baby. Well, this got me thinking. If a lady as famous as Mary Tyler Moore would stoop to this, what is to keep PBH from doing the same thing. Maybe this whole "I'm pregnant" thing was just a ruse. The baggy sweathsirts and the expanding pants look authentic, but one can never be too sure.

So, the other day I did what any other guy would do, I waited until she was in the shower, then I threw a pitcher of cold water over the shower curtain to startle her, so she couldn't cover up, and then pulled back the curtain to see if she was in fact "pregnant". Well, unless she spends three hours a day with the makeup guy from Total Recall, it's the real deal.

Faced with this reality and a due date rapidly approaching, I could hardly put up fight when PBH enrolled us in Baby C-P-AH classes. So, last Saturday morning it was off to the hospital to learn about how our future baby was going to try and give us a heart attack by apparently choking on everything.

The first thing we did, as any couple should do, is apply name tags. This is a crucial part of the child raising process, because if that kid comes out and you don't have your name tag on, it won't know who you are.

Next, we watched a film from 1978 that emphasized how crappy our parents raised us. It showed kids riding bikes with no helmets on and a giant red circle with a line through it. I don't ever recall wearing a bike helmet, but of course that's probably from sustaining a head injury while riding my bike without a helmet.

The film later stated that all kids under 80 pounds were supposed to be in a booster seat while in the car. This means that when I was a sophomore in high school I was breaking the law, because my parents didn't provide me with one. Imagine getting written up in the local paper's Police Beat for that one.

No helmets, no car seats, loose change to choke on, drinking hot coffee with us in the room, forgetting to turn all the handles inward on the stove, and the list goes on. The film illustrates a couple points. 1. Our parents were trying to kill us 2. They had absolutely no taste in clothes or upholstery.

After a 5 minte break so all the pregnant ladies could pee, we then moved onto the mannequin phase of the class. Now, I had taken health in ninth grade so I was well prepared for this part. I had my own wetnap ready for those bad boys, cause it's cold and flu season, and I don't need to be sick because I'm in the playoffs in two fantasy football leagues and I don't want to let my teams down.

In order to get some brownie points, I decided to unleash a little ninth grade health class knowledge and mention the Xiphoid Process. The teacher was a little startled with my genius, but I told her that was a normal reaction and not to be too scared.

After we completed the small child portion, we moved onto the infant mannequins. The instructor told us to hold the baby in one arm while applying chest compressions with the other hand. I pointed out to her that have the biceps of a 6 year old girl and would probably get too tired doing this. She said she didn't care and then hurled a baby at me. Ok, I'm lying. They're more like a 5 year old girls.

After the C-P-AH portion, we learned how to dislodge a "foreign object" from an infant's throat. (This is just for the guys: When you read "foreign object", what was the first thought that popped into your head? Was it 'OH MY GOD, [INSERT EVIL WRESTLER NAME HERE] HAS A FOREIGN OBJECT!' Me too.)

So to sum up the course. Your kid is going to choke on everything. Moms can never smack their kids as hard as needed to when choking. When given a chance to cradle something in their arms, say, like an infant mannequin, at least 62% of the of the expecting Dad's will make a Heisman Trophy pose, that percentage jumps to 100% if the Dad is named me. Finally, just call 911 because they aren't going to panic the way you will when it actually happens.

Next weekend, its birthing class. I wonder what the teacher will throw at me.