MBD Articles

Cloning? - OK By Me

It's time for me to chime in on this whole cloning controversy. I see reports in the paper where we have Dr. Blah Blah cloning human something or others. And then we get the fundamentalists saying this is against God's will, yada yada yada. Well people, I'm here to tell you maybe everyone is looking at this from the wrong perspective.

First of all, there are a bunch of clones walking around. They are called twins. Nobody's yelling at them telling them they are immoral. (Except for my brother in law the other night at Whiskey's, but that's a different story, and I am pretty sure he deserved it.)

And has anybody thought that maybe we were all supposed to be twins and that God screwed up and only a couple times we get it right? You going to say you know God didn't mean to make us all twins. I'm not going to.I know, the percentages are against me: Anything that fails that many times can't be classified as good. Right? Wrong.

Let's look at baseball players for example. What do we call a player who fails to hit the ball over 65% of the time. A Hall of Famer. You can fail 7 out of 10 times and people say you had a good year. Maybe we should give God a margin of error like 99.99% or so.

If you have ever seen me you might understand why I think this. I am 6'1" and a buck forty five soaking wet , with rocks in my shoes. You telling me there wasn't supposed to be some more of me? C'mon.

Second, everyone is content to look at this from a moral/immoral standpoint. Who cares about that! Not only could we absolutely put an end to the Mortimer and Randolph Duke "Nature vs. Nurture" debate, it could also settle countless bar bets:

• Ever have a guy tell you you are so weak you couldn't even kick your own ass. Well, clone yourself and find out. You might even win a few bucks in a side bet.
• Ladies, ever been involved in the conversation where the guy said if he could blow himself he would never leave the house. Introduce him to himself and see if he will put his money where he said his mouth would be.
• Take all the Yankees World Series Championship teams, clone them, put them in Red Sox uniforms. I'll bet you my life's income they dont bring home the title.
• Let's clone Michael Jordan and let one play baseball and one play basketball. That way we wouldn't have had to endure those two crappy Houston Rockets championships and that one guy's home video of the only dinger Michael hit.
• Sick of the married guy saying "If I wasn't married I would be all over that chic". Clone him and bet him it isnt because he's married he can't get that chic, it's becasue he's a friggin loser.
• Ever wanted a threesome? Well, I don't have a degree in law, but I don't believe it's cheating if you hook up with your wife's clone. (May be incest for her, though. But if it's ok in Kentucky, I think it should be ok elsewhere.)
• Think about how many happy Scottish guys there would be. (Whoops, sheep cloning joke got in there by accident)

Third, I think the real reason that cloning has been so frowned upon is because almost all of the people bitching about it probably have kids. And during the course of their lifetime , they undoubtedly pissed off those kids. And now, they are afraid they may go visit their children one days and see themselves doing chores for their kids. That's right , the ultimate revenge. Clone your parents. Think about it. Take out the trash, little Dad. What little Dad? You forgot, too bad, YOU'RE GROUNDED! (Sorry , little pent up aggression on that issue)

I think most of America is a little confused about the whole thing as well. I think they assume we are going to walk into some kind of chamber and two of us will walk out. Turns out this is not the case. Someone would have to actually raise the little clones. Guess what, nobody is going to want to do that. Never underestimate people's laziness and their ability to quash a questionable scientific breakthrough from altering our way of life by subsiding to it.

Basically, you're getting all worked up over nothing. If a massive cloning project does get undertaken, it would just ruin all those bets. Without any useless bar bets, bars would cease to exist. And we just can't do that to to the American economy right now.